Workshop, retreat among efforts to expand pastoral care resources to couples grieving pregnancy loss, infertility

When Andrea and Andrew Lang lost a child to miscarriage in 2013, the couple faced decisions that they never had to make before.

At 18 weeks, Andrea was induced to deliver. Afterward, a priest at their parish, St. Joseph in Imperial, told them they could arrange a burial for their baby at the parish’s cemetery. A neighbor helped them find a funeral home to bring the baby there at no cost.

“Being able to accept help is in itself a mercy,” Andrea Lang said.

In the years that followed, the Langs, who have seven living children, experienced eight more pregnancy losses, including four in the second trimester. Their parish community continued to offer practical and spiritual support, from meals and help with their children to a place to bury their babies. The Langs also turned to prayer and the sacraments during their grief. Andrea often leaned on the Surrender Novena and the Litany of Trust, as well as daily Mass, confession and spiritual direction. Andrew found comfort in the adoration chapel, where he poured out his frustrations.

Andrea Lang shared the family’s story at a workshop at the Cardinal Rigali Center in September aimed at clergy, laity and others involved in infertility and miscarriage ministry at their parishes. Hosted by the archdiocesan Office of Natural Family Planning, the workshop included speakers from Springs in the Desert, a national Catholic ministry that offers resources and support for those experiencing infertility and the loss of a child before birth.

”Miscarriage affects a whole family,” Lang said. “It doesn’t just happen to the woman. It doesn’t just happen to her and her spouse — it happens to a whole family. So not only are a husband and wife grieving, but they’re guiding their children through grief, too.”

Support for miscarriage, infertility

In addition to the workshop, the NFP Office partnered with Springs in the Desert to offer a weekend retreat for couples in St. Louis last month. The retreat and workshop were among the efforts aimed at expanding upon the pastoral care resources offered to couples in the Archdiocese of St. Louis, said Elizabeth Kauffeld, director of the NFP Office.

“It’s important for the Church to support couples experiencing pregnancy loss because they should know they are seen, loved and not alone in a painful and often isolating experience,” she said. “Beyond practical help, compassionate spiritual and pastoral care can help couples feel they still belong in the Church and connect them with community and resources when they may not know where to turn.”

The office reestablished its Enkindle infertility ministry last year, which now includes an in-person support group for women that meets twice a month. Facilitators have used materials from Springs in the Desert, and the group has since transitioned into a social and small sharing group, with the hopes of adding additional groups in other parts of the archdiocese in the future, Kauffeld said.

The NFP Office website also offers specific resources for miscarriage/loss and infertility (including primary and secondary). Kauffeld added that the office hopes to offer in the new year special kits containing resources to help manage an early miscarriage at home.

Outreach to clergy is important to help them recognize when parishioners may be struggling and to give them the tools to be able to reach out and offer spiritual support, she said.

“Perhaps families aren’t sharing with them what they’re going through, and even if they are, (priests) can feel like, what should I do about it? How should I reach out to them?” Kauffeld said.

The priests and deacons at St. Joseph supported the Langs, including visiting them in the hospital and offering the rite of Naming and Commendation of an Infant Who Died Before Birth. Developed by the archdiocesan Office of Worship and the Respect Life Apostolate, the rite offers parents and families within the context of a prayer service or Mass the opportunity to name their child, bring peaceful closure to their loss and unite with our merciful God.

While Andrea was in the hospital during one of her losses, the Langs called on one of their priests to administer the sacrament of anointing of the sick after Andrea experienced hemorrhaging during delivery.

”I’ll never forget the feeling of peace that I had when he walked through that door, and he anointed me, and I just knew that everything was going to be okay,” she said. “I felt so completely loved for and cared for by God the Father through our priests in that moment.”

St. John Paul II’s apostolic letter, “Salvifici Doloris,” which offers insights on the Christian meaning of human pain and suffering, became another important resource for Andrea, as she prayed and offered her suffering during her most difficult moments. “To recognize that I was being offered a share in the cross of Christ and that I could offer that on behalf of the intentions of my family and friends brought much needed meaning and merit to my pain and suffering,” she said.

Springs in the Desert

Ann Koshute and Kimberly Henkel founded Springs in the Desert in 2019 after they saw the isolation of infertility and lack of pastoral support that existed within the Church.

The national ministry offers women and couples spiritual and emotional support and helps them encounter God’s love and discover a broader understanding of fruitfulness beyond biological parenthood. Rooted in Catholic teachings on marriage, human dignity and reproductive ethics, it also educates clergy and lay leaders about the unique grief and needs associated with infertility and the loss of a child through miscarriage. Springs in the Desert offers resources including retreats, small groups, blog reflections, a podcast and virtual and in-person events to foster community and healing.

Infertility takes different forms, and each person’s experience — including miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage — is unique, Koshute said. At the workshop in September, she recommended accompanying people who experience infertility and loss rather than rushing to fix their suffering. She urged clergy, family and friends to acknowledge the grief and to avoid assumptions or intrusive questions, and to lead with sensitivity.

“The best thing is the simplest, but the hardest — be present,” she said. “Stand in that uncomfortable place at the cross, and just be with them and let them take the lead. If they want to talk. If they want to get into it, great. And if not, that’s okay. Pray, be with them, and love them. One of the women in our community at a prayer group described it this way — that she feels like she’s sort of on a cross. And all people see is that cross. They don’t see her. … So don’t just look at the cross. Look at the person.”

Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Resources

The Order of Naming and Commendation of an Infant Who Died Before Birth is a rite developed by the archdiocesan Office of Worship and the Respect Life Apostolate in 1990 for parents whose children died before birth because of miscarriage, stillbirth, accident or abortion. The rite emphasizes the Church’s respect for the sacredness of all human life from the moment of conception, regardless of a child’s age or stage of development. It acknowledges that all life, even the lives of those who are never born, impacts families and individuals. To find parishes hosting an upcoming rite, visit stlrespectlife.org.

Enkindle is a ministry of the Office of Natural Family Planning that offers support for women and couples experiencing infertility and miscarriage/loss. See www.nfpgoodforlife.com for more details.

Springs in the Desert is a ministry that accompanies those struggling with infertility and miscarriage. See springsinthedesert.org.

Red Bird Ministries is a Catholic grief support ministry for those who have experienced child loss of any age or circumstance. See www.redbird.love.